- Check your blindspots (all of nine of them, even the one you didn’t know you had). It’s common knowledge that if you don’t check all your blindspots while uttering the words ’smashy banger little vampire’, the Hairy Hands of Beijing will grab your steering wheel and overturn your car. Also, checking one’s blindspots means you can clip cyclists/motorcyclists at just the right angle that will cause little to no damage to your precious car.
- Wear your seatbelt at all times. This will prevent you from carrying out any impulse you have to flee aforementioned car (which doesn’t glitter so hypnotically from the inside, and will no doubt feel at times like a prison. Or rather, a purgatorial, bone-shaking, arse-numbing, mind-deadening, hot, suffocating prison) after the fourth day. Please consider renaming your seatbelt your ‘No Regrets’ belt. Wearing it will not compromise your pride or undermine the feat you’ve undertaken; not wearing it may lead to regrets.
- Don’t make eye contact with WomenKind, particularly after dark or during the day. This may encourage their small brains to think you want to ‘get primal’ with them. If you must speak to them, be sure you’re wearing your wedding ring on ALL fingers (some of WomenKind do not know which ring is the wedding finger, which again may lead to them into thinking you want to ‘get primal’ with them) and say nothing to challenge their superiority or femininity. It is probably best that you cover your bony white elbows and knees, which are a particular temptation to many of WomenKind of different countries, ages and cultures. Be on your guard in public places (you will be an easy target) and in quiet areas (this will also make you an easy target). Be particularly wary if you are offered alcohol (I know, it’s a big ask, but WomenKind will do anything, the buggers). Don’t go anywhere alone and think about creating a buddy system with Phil. For example, ask yourself the following questions:
- How long has Phil taken in the little boys room?
- Were there any women in the vicinity when he went in?
- Are there other men I could call on (men around the world largely take the same approach to these things: that is, 100% do not want unsolicited attention from WomenKind and will therefore be sympathetic to your cause.)
- Failing that, do I know the number for the local police? BEWARE: Your call for help will, in a cruel-but-necessary twist of fate, given that WomenKind are faster, stronger and better than mankind, be answered by WomenKind in nearly ALL instances, thus potentially endangering you both further
- What I’m saying Paul, is keep your windows wound up, lest a prozza come up, gauge your forearm and give you some form of STI
- Be in contact often. This will enable us, if anything happens to you, to easily find where you last were, and come and pick up the car to flog.
- Be careful what you eat. Frankly Paul, we’re all on a tight schedule here: if you wind up with the shits and get to Paris later than planned, you can expect your welcome party to have drunk the drink we ordered for your arrival, eaten the food, partied in your absent name and pissed off back home. If in doubt, disinfect your stomach regularly, ideally with straight vodka.
- Don’t drive too fast. Same applies as above, really. If you arrive too early, you can expect us to be underwhelmed by your not-so-gruelling, faster and easier than expected little jolly, and keep the drink/food/ partying/etc to ourselves.
- Be safe. Safety is often overrated and can lead to all sorts of boring decisions, which combine and multiple through our lives each day and week, curdling our youth and curdling our energy into a stagnant but pleasant-tasting vat labeled the ‘Custard of Lost Dreams’. However, safety may also result in you seeing the Eiffel Tower for the tenth time, seeing your wife, children, family and friends for the millionth time, drinking your billionth glass of vino and generally continuing life in the same vein as usual. Which should not be underrated.
Follow these rules (plus a few more obvious ones like ‘refuel the car when needed’ (with the right fuel), ‘eat when required’ (as least five to six times a day as is customary in our shared cultures) ‘drink water, in equal or greater amounts to alcohol where possible’ and you’ll be fine.
See you on the other side.
A final and very, very useful tip: don’t take anyone called Phil with you. Don’t worry about anyone called Phil. In fact, forget the word Phil: he is not a person, he is not a he, he is barely a notion at the back of your mind, already fading away as your mouth failingly tries to form the name that is not Phil.
INSTEAD: check you have someone with you named SEBASTIAN. He will be doing half the driving, in case you weren’t aware, so would be good to have along.
Author: Anna Hickman